I really do hate Halloween. If I wanted to wear a costume, I would have become a super hero. I hate it when previously empty stores are turned into Halloween superstores starting in late August. I like seeing empty stores, it reminds me that all is not well with the economy. Filling them for a couple of months is just a tease.

Halloween has made me hate the Michael Jackson song Thriller, apparently the only Halloween song other than Bobby Pickett’s “Monster Mash.”

have come to despise the word “sexy.” Apparently adding the word “sexy” to any costume greatly improves sales. And I am also pissed off that the big costume companies turned down my costume idea “Sexy Child Molester.” It even came with 100 little cards that said “By law I have to inform you that I am a registered sex offender, etc, etc.” I was also going to sketch a rough version of my latest idea “Sexy Bill Cosby,” but the focus groups hated it.

As I contemplate one of my neighbors dressed as a “Sexy Sexagenarian,” I am also reminded that I despise Trick or Treat. I don’t give money to homeless people who look like they’re near death and I’m supposed to give free candy to the teenagers from the neighborhood who show up dressed like teenagers from the neighborhood? It appears that they hate costumes as much as I do.

And, since I live in an affluent area, a lot of parents dump their kids in our neighborhood. I guess they think the haul will be better from nice houses. I give out full-sized candy bars but I take the time to unwrap each one. I don’t tamper with them; I just open the wrapper to make it look like I did. That’ll show how many parents really care about their kids.

Our first year in California we spent over $200 in candy. Luckily that has gone down every year. I guess answering the door wearing no pants or underwear is having the desired effect. Hey, I still have all those sex offender cards from the Cosby costume prototype.

It’s a holiday for freaks and freeloaders. I’m not a shrink but I’ll bet those folks could have a field day about why people choose certain costumes. Oh yeah, I also hate rental costumes. Nothing I want to do more than wear a dirty pirate outfit that smells like beer, sex and nachos.

Happy Freakin’ Halloween!

TV Shopping Host and Coach, Musician, Author, Teacher.

One Comment on “I Hate Halloween!

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