(A tongue-in-cheek adaptation of the Christmas classic, “’Twas The Night Before Christmas.” I worked in the TV shopping industry for most of my adult and decided to have a little fun with the annual Christmas frenzy exhibited by all the shopping channels. Hope it gives you a laugh or two.)
‘Twas 2 months before Christmas, and on the TV,
Shopping Channels had gift shows, for all to see.
The sets were resplendent, with trees, wreaths and lights.
There were so many gift shows, especially late nights.
The hosts were decked out in bright red and green,
Even though it was 2 weeks before Halloween.
Most shipping was free, the hosts did proclaim,
And they asked folks to buy things, that’s always their game.
Their words came so fast they sounded like clatter.
With so few new products, it just didn’t matter.
They asked their viewers to max every bank card.
Everything was on 6 pay, it wasn’t that hard.
The lights on the fake trees did glitter and dance,
Even the Grinch wouldn’t have a good chance.
They repackaged old products and made them seem new,
Vacuums became gifts, coffee makers too.
They gave computers a full hour on-air,
Some were last year’s models, but they didn’t care.
They used Christmas music to bombard your brain,
And called out gifts givers and used every name
“Now mothers and fathers, grandmas and grandpas,
Aunts, uncles and cousins, and all those in-laws.
We have all your gifts, we just need your deposit,
Then keep them well hidden right in your gift closet.”
You buy gifts on 6 pay, 1 pay gets them home.
You pay 5 more times before you call them your own.
The phone calls were steady, the lines never jammed.
Still some hosts kept on saying the phone lines were crammed.
They could fill your home, from basement to roof,
Even gifts for your enemies, it’s not a goof.
They can ship from Alaska to North Carolina.
And most gifts that they ship were all made in China.
Happy dances and phone calls kept viewers’ attention,
So many happy dances, too many to mention.
There were special values, one time only’s and more,
Hoping to compete with that Amazon store.
The lights twinkled green like a forest, red like a cherry,
To make you forget that your bills would be scary.
TV shopping had Christmas wrapped up in a bow,
To ship Christmas food they charge so much dough.
Shopping hosts were trained in their Christmas behavior.
With no mention of Bethlehem, Mary or the Savior.
Callers who wished “Merry Christmas to all,”
Were told “Happy Holidays, thanks for the call.”
Like all retailers they needed the season,
They wanted the profits and ignored the reason.
Last minute shoppers could still join the fray.
They paid extra for shipping, by air not by sleigh.
A few shows for Chanukah helped add to their biz,
And a couple for Kwanza, whatever that is.
But Christmas was the focus for most shopping activity,
With no pictures of wise men, not one nativity.
Although Christmas Day comes each year just once,
Shoppers celebrate and pay off their bills for 6 months.
They close Christmas Eve and all Christmas Day,
They show videos and play music, while some hosts go away.
The day after Christmas, the decorations are gone,
They start selling flowers and plants for your lawn.
After we have a Christmas that’s over the moon,
They say, “Happy Holidays to all, next year we’ll start in June!”
© 2015 Steve Bryant
No portion of this may be reproduced, cut and pasted, etc., in any medium without written permission from the author.